28th September 1995
Dear Diary,
Something was amiss. It was quiet. Too quiet. Why? I knew why. I just lost my wife. Forgot where I put her. Oops.
Went outside to look for her. All of a sudden, these lumberjacks started attacking me. Now, I don’t like to brag, but I HAVE been mistaken for Chuck Norris before.
I used the good ol’ flashlight-in-face and dynamite-in-nostril technique. Worked like a charm.
29th September 1995
Dear Diary,
Still can’t find my wife. What was her name again? Ah, it’s fine, I still have some pictures of her. I’m good.
Tried crossing the woods all by myself. I don’t like to wait for daylight, so I ran like crazy, flashing my flashlight at some birds in the sky.
I’m quite sure they were after me. I know things, man. They know I know things.
Found a penny.
30th September 1995
Dear Diary,
I found some scattered pages from a book. Seems to be an old book of mine. How rude. Someone probably used it as toilet paper in the woods.
Next time, I’ll go for harsher printing paper.
1st October 1995
Saw a tornado. Made out of birds. And cars.
I waved my flashlight at it. I seem to be very good at waving my flashlight.
Was I supposed to be looking for someone? What was I doing again?
…found a hamburger. I like it here. I think I’ll stay.